To borrow the immortal words of Frank Costanza, I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it! That’s right. I know this blog is normally rainbows, unicorns, and all sorts of other good vibrations, but it’s time for you to hear what I really think (…as if I’ve been holding back 😉 ). Here, it’s time for my “Airing of Disney Parks Grievances.”
Fair warning: this post is in no way helpful to Walt Disney World, Disneyland, or other park trip planning. Actually, it’s not really helpful to anything anywhere at all. Think of it as a junk food blog post that you shouldn’t waste your time reading. That is, unless you read any of the crap on BuzzFeed, ESPN, Facebook, Twitter, etc. In that case you clearly don’t care about wasting your time, so read away, kind souls!
I also want to underscore that this is meant in good fun and with a lighthearted sense to it. No one isperfect. While these things do bug me, I’m sure I do plenty of things that bug others, and I certain don’t have any malice towards anyone who does these things. Most of the time, I don’t think people are doing any of these things intentionally, or at least with the express purpose of inconveniencing others. With those caveats out of the way, I’ll let my inner Statler & Waldorf take over and share a few of my many Disney theme park pet peeves…
Disproportionate Line Jumping – I’m a reasonable guy. If you’re a large family with a herd of small children, I get that a trip to the parks is a veritable Detrol commercial. Bathroom breaks are a frequent, time-consuming part of the theme park experience. I understand one parent taking a child to the bathroom while the other jumps in line with the rest of the pack.
What I don’t appreciate is when one member of a multi-generational party of 27 jumps in line, and then slowly the other 26 members trickle ahead of me. That’s not meeting the “rest” of your party, it’s thinly-veiled line-jumping. I never say anything to these people, but you better believe the back of their heads receive a contemptuous glare.
My rule: unless 51% of your party is farther forward, the rest of the party moves back. Fair enough?
Talking on Attractions – Again, I’m reasonable. I understand that parks are a social environment. They aren’t a library or a movie theater, so some small, quiet comments here and there are totally fine.
Now it’s everyone else’s turn to be reasonable and understand that the rest of us waited 45 minutes in line so we could enjoy an immersive attraction, not so we could hear you talk about that epic party from last night in excruciating detail as if it has all the drama of the Iran-Contra Affair.
Flaunting Disney Knowledge – Let’s level with one another: I write a Disney blog and you read at least one. We both clearly have too much free time on our hands and probably know much more about Disney than John Q Public.
This is neither a Scarlet Letter, nor is it a badge of honor. Some Disney fans don’t seem to understand this. They share their Mad Park Smartz with their friends in the parks (nothing wrong with this by itself) in painfully loud voices that are clearly for the benefit of those around them.
Quoting Attractions – Continuing on the ‘talking’ subject, here’s my biggest pet peeve: quoting lines from attractions in the attraction right before the line is said in the attraction. This is a variation of Flaunting Disney Knowledge, but it’s so annoying that it deserves its own spot.
I don’t mind people quoting attractions in general. I’d like to think the wisdom gleaned from Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree can be applied to all facets of life. What I mind is people beating the attraction to the punch, showing off their own knowledge as if this gives them some sort of ill-gotten street cred. It doesn’t, and it’s annoying.
The absolute worst example of this was among the regulars of the now-extinct Adventurers Club (hey guys, wonder why it closed? I’m guessing you going every night, never buying drinks, while simultaneously creeping out non-regulars didn’t help), but just try and go on the Jungle Cruise without someone saying the words ‘backside of water’ before the skipper, or to the Haunted Mansion without someone saying ‘there’s always my way’ before the Ghost Host.
Walking Etiquette – I walk at an extremely brisk pace. I have no time for shenanigans such as meandering aimlessly. However, I understand not everyone desires or can maintain my pace, and I certainly don’t expect it.
What I also don’t expect is a convoy of 4 double-wide strollers walking side by side taking up the entire walkway so no one can pass. Treat the sidewalk like you’d treat a highway: if you know your party is slower, allow enough room next to you for a “passing lane.”
On a highway, you wouldn’t aimlessly zigzag from lane to lane without regard for traffic behind you, so don’t do the same in walkways. Likewise, just as you wouldn’t come to a dead stop in the middle of your lane when driving 70 MPH on the highway, don’t stop in your tracks to look at a map in the middle of a walkway. Move to the side first. Note that I’m calling them walkways rather than standways–that’s for a reason.
Shoulder-Children – Are you 6′ tall and want to put your kids on your shoulders for the fireworks? No problem! It’s not as if there are hundreds of people behind you who also want to see the show, or anything. I really am curious as to what line of thought can justify this?
The thing is, I realize kids have a tough time seeing a show from the ground and parents have a difficult time holding them at normal eye level. This leaves them with a conundrum: put them on your shoulders or don’t. If you put them on your shoulders, they can see but you’re blocking the view of countless people behind you. This effectively says, “my children seeing the show are more important than anyone behind me seeing it.”
This could really fall under a general penumbra of “Selfish Guests” that would encompass everything from sitting in the middle seats of what clearly will be a packed theater (despite directions from Cast Members to move all the way down), throwing trash on the ground or not cleaning up the trash at your table for counter service meals (excepting certain Disneyland restaurants), smoking wherever you feel like, waving around your selfie stick without regard for others, and a myriad of other things. That $100/day ticket is not a license to do whatever the heck you want because, “YOU PAID A TON OF MONEY FOR THIS VACATION.”
My rule: if you want to put your kids on your shoulders, do it from a location where there are not people behind you. Alternatively, choose a viewing location where there are not obstructions in front of you. Both exist, particularly when it comes to Happily Ever After in Magic Kingdom.
Stroller Etiquette – This is a challenging one for me given the propensity to actually offend, and given that I can’t speak from the experience of taking kids to a theme park. I’ll treat this one with kid gloves and simply start by saying that there are exponentially more (and larger) strollers in Walt Disney World and Disneyland than there were two decades ago, and also exponentially more in those two locations than there are in Disneyland Paris, Hong Kong Disneyland, and even Tokyo Disneyland.
It’s not because the latter have “NO CHILDREN!” rules. I’m not even remotely suggesting that strollers be banished from the parks (that would be beyond ridiculous–they are a necessity for many guests), but perhaps that guests utilize more discretion with them. Also, if you operate a stroller, be mindful of the heels in front of you. Let’s again use the roadway analogy: strollers are like cars–yield to pedestrians.
Rudeness to Cast Members – Don’t like the quality of the beef patty in your burger at Cosmic Ray’s? Having yet another issue with your Magic Band communicating with the Mickey head readers? Think lines for everything are too long? Yelling at the nearest Cast Member seems like a totally reasonable solution.
Oh wait, no it doesn’t. At all. Front of the line Cast Members have about as much control over all of those things as the Apple Store floor employee has over the size of the iPhone. Yelling at any of these people is wholly unreasonable. What exactly are people expecting to accomplish?
Spending a lot of money on your Disney vacation does not entitle you to be an absolute dick to everyone you come across, especially those in positions who go out of their way to put a smile on your kids’ faces and make magic for guests, despite their modest wages. A good rule in life is: “don’t be a dick” but if that’s just too darned tough to follow, a lower standard might be: “don’t be a dick to people regarding situations that are out of their control, especially when they are doing their best to be nice and help you.”
Have you steered clear of my airing of Disney theme park grievances thus far? Well, I have a lot more that you are doing! You couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe…ah, I lost my train of thought. 😉 (I’m sorry, a lot of the references in this blog probably don’t make sense if you’re not a Seinfeld fan. Then again, I’m not so sure I want people reading this blog who aren’t Seinfeld fans.)
What are your Disney theme park pet peeves? Are you so high on the magic of pixie dust when you visit the parks that nothing annoys you? What do I do that annoys you (this is the airing of theme park grievances, after all)? FEEL FREE TO VENT IN THE COMMENTS. Come on…it’s therapeutic!