Sam’s Spangled 7: Disney’s Hollywood Studios Upgrades
Editor’s note: we don’t normally run guest pieces, but it’s a holiday and we had an offer we couldn’t refuse…
Greetings, denizens of the internet. It is I, Sam Eagle, and I am here to discuss with you a matter of considerable import: potential upgrades to the Disney-MGM Studios theme park at the Walt Disney World Resort in Florida. Your regular author is off on holiday, but as I never cease working, I have agreed to fill in, in his stead.
I am told that normally these articles begin with rambling introductions, but I believe brevity is best, so I shall begin at once with my list of improvements…
7. Rock ‘N’ Roller Coaster – American rock and roll band Aerosmith is beloved by all, excepting of course, kids today who lack taste in musical groups. Although it is our responsibility to build the character of younger generations by molding them in our images, a compromise is in order here. Multi-generational national treasures Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem Band would offer an alternative sure to arouse the enthusiasm in guests of all ages.
It has also come to my attention that a large guitar, no matter how impressive, does not have the design spirit of Sunset Boulevard. I would suggest a new facade reflecting an amalgamation of styles, drawing from the likes of Pantages Theater, Amoeba Records, or Roxie Theatre.
6. Teddy Roosevelt Lounge – The original concept, a dignified idea by which I stand, was to convert BaseLine Tap House into something educational, an attraction to be known as “A Salute to All World Leaders, But Mostly U.S. Presidents.” The obstinate editors of this website have advised me that such an attraction, known as Hall of Presidents, already exists in Magic Kingdom so such an attraction is “redundant.” As if a single tribute to liberty’s leaders in some other theme park is sufficient!
Although clearly in the right, in the spirit of compromise, I relented. Instead, Disney’s Hollywood Studios shall pay tribute to our greatest leader, Theodore Roosevelt, in a stately lounge that is an ode to the many accomplishments of this president’s life. The unprecedented venue will be the greatest dining location at Walt Disney World, with a menu of porterhouse steak, whiskey, whole potatoes, and Samuel Adams.
5. PizzeRizzo – The concept of a rat in the kitchen is foolishness that no entertainment company should ever indulge. Not in movies, television, and certainly not in theme parks.
I am confident that this company’s one-time mistake could easily be rectified with a transfer in ownership to respected culinary mind, Swedish Chef. He would bring integrity and quality to this lackluster establishment.
4. Jim Henson Presents – Walt Disney is an American original, and a national treasure. The attraction dedicated to his legacy and the inner-workings of the entertainment he helped to create provides inspiration and great civic value. I cannot fathom why any sensible tourist would bother with whimsical free-fall or simulation rides when a treasure trove of knowledge exists to be gleaned from Walt Disney Presents.
Of course, this cultural institution should never be removed, but more experiences of its kind should be added to provide academic merit to this park of amusements. The innovations of a certain Mr. Jim Henson and his Creature Shop come to mind, and showcasing the industrial light and magic techniques of Mr. George Lucas would provide occasion to pull back the curtain on technology used elsewhere in this so-called ‘studio’ park. There is plenty of room for both backstage showcases in under-utilized buildings around the campus–visitors will survive without having their self-portrait taken with a “Wookie.”
3. Curmudgeonly Character Dining – Celebrity adulation has crept into our way of thinking in recent times, from Kimberly Kardashian’s television program right down to glamorization of piracy by Jake and his Never Land cronies. Although I do respect the lifesaving work performed by Doctor McStuffins, Hollywood & Vine should change its nature at once.
Rather than encouraging children to fawn over celebrities at this character dining experience, Hollywood & Vine will henceforth instill dignity and character into young people. This thrilling new experience will present youngsters with an opportunity to hear Statler and Waldorf read riveting selections from Thomas Paine’s Common Sense and Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self-Reliance. It will be the best of both worlds: a hearty meal and interactions with respected community elders. Be sure to book your ADRs early!
2. Christmas Carols – While I do not have time for the frivolity of holidays, I do make two exceptions to this rule. Exception the first: Independence Day, the most distinctly patriotic holiday of all. Exception the second: Christmas. Celebrating this most joyous occasion with family, friends, and capitalistic consumption is the American way.
Christmas is the one day of the year when I lift my prohibition on song and merriment, and embrace the spirit of the season. My colleagues and I have made several motion pictures paying tribute to Christmas, and we could perform our songs during the evening as a limited time engagement in Theater of the Stars to honor this day…during the entire months of November and December.
1. Grauman’s Chinese Theater – It has come to my attention that a certain mouse and his unruly friends will soon take up residence in Grauman’s Chinese Theater, replacing Great Movie Ride. Let the record reflect that there were once plans for a tasteful attraction, to be known as the “Great Muppet Movie Ride.” It was to be a moving voyage through the cinematic adventures of America’s most beloved actors, the Muppets.
We must break management’s inclination to insert rodents where they do not belong, and restore greatness to this extraordinary theater.
As an added bonus, the duration of MuppetVision 3D will be increased at once to 3 hours and 7 minutes. Seven minutes for a condensed version of the normal show which we can all agree drags a bit thanks to that moping bunny, and the remainder for the restoration of the show’s glorious three-hour finale in full. It’s not as if there is anything better to do at Disney’s Hollywood Studios.
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Your Thoughts
Do you agree or disagree with Sam’s ideas for Disney’s Hollywood Studios? If you disagree, keep in mind that the ideas presented here are those of Sam Eagle alone, and do not reflect the views of anyone else associated with this blog. Any other Muppet-y additions you’d like to see at DHS, or elsewhere around Walt Disney World? Any other questions? (Other than the obvious WHY?!) Please share your thoughts below in the comments!
Thanks to Sam for making me love this blog even MORE! Get the Muppets out of the back corner and put them front and center of the park! I would love to see a live show with the Muppets (a la Nemo Musical). Have them pop out to surprise people a different spots for impromptu interactions and greetings. Statler and Waldorf can look down upon people coming into the park and give a running commentary (or a restaurant). Less storm troopers-more LAUGHS!
I need the Great Muppet Movie ride to become a reality – that would be amazing!
Right on Sam.
Thanks, Sam! What a hilarious read – but true, so true! I will book my ADR for the Statler and Waldorf character meal the minute it goes live. I have started the countdown! Also, I second the suggestion for the Pigs In Space Mountain 😀
Doctor McStuffins… I can’t…. genius!
Thank you Sam that was much better than most of Tom’s blogs any day. One vote for a permanent replacement.lol
Actually the Swedish Chef does need a restaurant , a fried chicken restaurant, but when you get in there is no chicken available because Gonzo rescued his Girls and everyone has to have Chicken Fried Steak.
I, too, read the whole post in Sam’s voice. SPECTACULAR. AMERICA!
This was great! I wish that some of them were really in the works to happen.
Mr. Eagle: You are a wise soul. Much like a late-night infomercial, I now NEED things I’d never heard of 5 minutes ago. I trust WDW will see the light in your plans and move forward immediately.
This was highly enjoyable. Bravo Sam!
If you didn’t read this entire post in Sam’s voice you are distinctly, unpatriotic!
Sam Eagle is one of the most underrated and unappreciated characters. I absolutely love him and the Muppets. I wish they had more of a presence at Hollywood Studios but unfortunately, with Toy Story Land and now Star Wars, I’m afraid the classic Muppets will be pushed aside. Hoping Disney keeps the charm of the Muppets around!
Bean Bunny’s Muppet Square Twirl. Animal’s Great Escape. The Main Street Electrical Mayhem Parade. Pigs In Space Mountain. Sam the American Eagle Adventure.
Ha!!
Another vote for a Statler and Waldorf character meal! I think the halibut jokes and satire would make any meal more enjoyable. Actually I love the idea of the Teddy Roosevelt restaurant and the Jim Henson show too.
And you know what that makes you? Smarter than Disney!
Sam:
Could you beg/request/bribe/force Tom to let you (and your worthy Muppet friends) write guest posts more often? While Tom and Sarah are probably nice and all, you bring a voice of distinction and morality to this blog. Oh….but don’t let Pepe the shrimp or Miss Piggy write anything, though. They are just annoying.
I love Sam’s ideas especially his ideas for Rockin Rollercoaster (I would love to go zero to 60 miles hour with “Can You Picture That” playing), Hollywood & Vine, T.R. Lounge, and Christmas Carols.
This just made my (Independence) Day!
I would pay for Statler and Waldorf character meal! They are my favorite part of the Muppet 3D show (and the 3D effect is actually the worst part).
This was fantastic. Great to hear from someone on here other than Tom!