We’ve been missing Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge at Walt Disney World. It’s been roughly two months since our last Rise of the Resistance Boarding Pass Dash, our weekly pre-dawn pilgrimage to Disney’s Hollywood Studios to test new strategy, observe crowds, and enjoy the sunrise.
As you might recall, our weekly reports covering the opening procedures for Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance at DHS were something of a roller coaster. Our headlines went from effusive praise about how much you could accomplish at Disney’s Hollywood Studios before 9 am to “This Isn’t Working” in the span of only a few months.
Well, yesterday saw a strange new Star Wars story unfold. While the Boarding Pass Dash was divisive, everyone willbe able to agree that this is somehow even more ridiculous than getting up at 4 am on vacation for a chance at doing one attraction. Suffice to say, this tale of “Supermarket Soda Shenanigans” is much more of a wild ride than the Boarding Pass Dash…
It is a period of social distancing and staying at home. A cargo transport carrying a secret shipment has been clandestinely diverted from Batuu to a rugged, primitive frontier planet known as “Alabama.” This lawless Outer Rim territory is spoken of in hushed whispers, infamous among scoundrels and outlaws as a place outside the clutches of civilization.
In this “Alabama,” there’s a rogue outpost known as Tates Supermarket. This place puts Black Spire’s marketplace to shame, trading in repulsive rations such as “Flamin’ Hot Cheetos” and “DiGiorno Hawaiian Style Frozen Pizza.” That diverted shipment carried a certain sugary substance: Coca-Cola Star Wars Thermal Detonators that will restore a spark of hope to the mouth…
Per @escapedstitch, who purchased a couple of the the packages, the cost of a 12-pack was roughly the same price as a single Coca-Cola Thermal Detonator inside Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge.
Great for people in Alabama, but this outpost is over 360 miles from Walt Disney World. Even with a speedy cruiser and clear route, it would take over 5 hours to reach. Not exactly reasonable for Disney fans in Central Florida needing their Galaxy’s Edge fix, right? RIGHT?!
DROVE FIVE FUCKING HOURS TO BE GREETED WITH AN EMPTY PALLET. someone seriously bought their entire stock of bottles. pic.twitter.com/eAj3iZCJ98
Wrong. Enter Schmoofy, who is either the…ehh…Wicket W. Warrick or Jar Jar Binks of this story, depending upon your perspective.
While no one would question his lunacy, Mr. Schmoof is also a meme master and known prankster, so there was some question as to the authenticity of his misadventure. He verified, waxing poetic in an interview with us as a new day dawned on Alabama: “all that stood in place was an empty pallet, a sign of better times and a glimmer of home in this bleak new world.”
This is the point in the story where I lost it and started laughing uncontrollably.
For those scratching your heads in disbelief, wondering what on earth an NBA team in Wisconsin would want with a bunch of expired Star Wars soda, allow me to explain…
Playing for the Milwaukee Bucks are Robin and Brook “Splash Mountain” Lopez, two Disney fans. They are not just casual enthusiasts like some celebrity Disney fans–these guys are hardcore. This also is not their first foray into roller coaster Walt Disney World news, unknowingly becoming part of this mess.
There are a range of fun stories about their dedication to Disney, and if you’ve been to opening/closing days, special events, or the D23 Expo, there’s a decent chance you’ve seen them towering above the crowd. As odd as it ostensibly might sound, it should come as no surprise that these NBA stars would have their finger on the pulse of what’s happening Disney-wise at a grocery store in Alabama. Not that literally anything that happens in this cursed year should surprise us anymore.
Whew, what a whirlwind adventure. It might not offer the same personal gratification as scoring a Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance boarding pass, but as far as vicarious amusement, laughs, and plot twists go, it’s a pretty solid story.
Not the kind of thing we’d normally publish, but vicarious entertainment is about the best most of us have right now, plus it’s a funny change of pace that helps me justify my Twitter addiction just a little.
Still, there are so many questions left unanswered. Why did the Star Wars Coke and Sprite end up at a small family-run supermarket in Alabama in the first place? If the overstock was sent there, where else has it ended up that didn’t make the internet? What other random Walt Disney World snacks are just sitting on the shelves of local grocery stores?
Finally, who really ended up with the unaccounted for Star Wars soda?! I’m still following this thread on Twitter, hoping that the Lopez bros will likewise lament that they missed out, with a follow-up from John Stamos sitting on his throne of Star Wars soda with the little devil from Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride sitting on his shoulder. We’ll keep you posted on further developments in this very important matter.
Who do you think scored the remaining packages of Coca-Cola Star Wars Thermal Detonators? Was it the Milwaukee Bucks owner, seeking something to motivate the Lopez Brothers? And if so, what exactly will the NBA team be doing with this much soda?! Did John Stamos swoop in at the last minute? Or is the culprit someone else entirely?! Any questions? Hearing your feedback–even when you disagree with us–is both interesting to us and helpful to other readers, so please share your thoughts below in the comments!